Mayda del Valle - estradpoet

Jag hade tänkte skriva någon slags introduktion till det här med estradpoesi. Börja i mina egna erfarenheter och berätta om hur min värld förändrades en liten smula efter att jag i tonåren hört några svenska poeter läsa sina dikter på biblioteket i min barndomsstad. Hur jag själv började skriva dikter och stod framför spegeln i pojkrummet med en hårborste i handen som mikrofon och läste dem högt, mycket högt. Jag nästan skrek.

Sedan hade jag lite försynt tänkt smyga in att jag som 20-åring fick min första diktsamling publicerad på samma förlag som Kristina Lugn och Ulf Lundell debuterade på och att jag samma år blev utvald att som årets debutant representera Sverige vid en veckokurs för nordiska poeter.

Vad jag inte hade tänkt berätta var att det inte blev några fler diktsamlingar publicerade med mitt namn på omslaget. Jag fortsatte att skriva poesi för byrålådan, mer än så blev det aldrig.

Oj, nu blev jag helt plötsligt lite privat och självutlämnande här på bloggen. Sånt brukar jag undvika. Det var nog därför mina dikter bara blev en massa förljugen smörja.

Nåväl. Ni kan räkna med att det dyker upp en hel del estradpoeter på bloggen framöver. De får uttrycka vad vi andra inte kan eller vågar formulera i ord och uttala högt.


Mayda del Valle läser To all the boys I’ve loved before.

To all the boys I’ve loved before

part 1:

we are not your mothers
and are not meant to be
it is not our responsibility to raise you into respectful beings
you have been weaned from the breast of a woman for years
yet you come to us
wounded and half filled with promises you can only keep half the time
trying to suckle our sense of self dry
we’ve become much to accustomed to sleepless nights and damp pillows
have become accustomed to waiting for our empty beds
to be weighed down with the bodies of men heavy with the scent
and the hands of other women
mornings with swollen puffy eyes are becoming routine
and we simply wanting to be loved
simply wanting to be able to love ourselves unconditionally
simply wanting to be held and feel safe
simply wanting the truth of whether you can really love us or not
play Hester Prynn
wear scarlet letters on our chests
become adulteresses
cheating ourselves out of what we truly deserve
willing to settle for less
willing to act like a little less than a goddesses
willing to sleep with the enemy
men too scared to stop acting like boys
thinking we can love away their scars
so we take the lashes of the insecurities they pour on us
and lick our wounds in quiet mourning for the little girls we lose by the minute
fast fading memories of playing hopscotch
and skippin’ rope
we now play freeze tag with each other’s hearts
play hide and seek with our love
if we just don’t breathe maybe we won’t get caught
up in the spider’s web we weave while waiting for what we give away to be returned

part 2:

you said you had a photographic memory
but apparently you forgot that honesty
begins by being real with yourself
and the ones you claim you love
should have never wasted my time
and just acted like the man you claimed and told the world you were
made a production of setting my folks at ease with tales of how you’d do all it ever took to never break my heart
I guess you thought you were talking to a roomful of the deaf and blind
figured they didn’t hear you
coz I never saw it coming
but the truth cannot be hidden
what’s clouded in darkness will always come to light my love
you shoulda known that
claiming you saw my light so clearly and brightly
so I left
chasing paper trails of promises you’d already set on fire
left with nothing but the ashes of who you’d written that you were
and singed fingers from trying to grasp the impossible

and the only thing I’ve really lost
are lukewarm kisses
that for too long I kept trying to tune the beat of my heart, a few lies, and stories
about honesty and truth

I guess shit happens
I just wish it wasn’t me

and I guess
it’s so much better to have loved and lost
than never to have loved at all
I know that’s some easy shit to say

but I’m still gonna try to live by it
I’m still gonna try to put my faith to rest in it

I will sleep on dry pillows now in a bed big enough to love myself in
I will awake these coming mornings with my eyes dry and shining
full of the knowledge I am priceless and worth nothing but honesty
I will remove the scarlet letter from my chest and hold the hand of the little girl I used to be
and say I’m sorry to her
I’m sorry for cheating you out of the joy you have always deserved
and I will wait
for a man
to come along
that can give me the truth of how much he can really love me

©2005 Mayda del Valle